Saturday, January 31, 2015


January 31st.....its that time of year again. It's the fifth anniversary of my sister Claire's death. I still remember that day so clearly, her laying still in the hospital with ghost white skin and her eyes shut peacefully as if she was asleep, as the beeping of the machine slowed as they slowly let her go. She died from brain cancer, a tumor that she fought for 10 years but eventually became too weak to fight. There were days I envied her infectious spirit and how she could charm anyone, especially all of the guys. After she was gone I spent time wishing I had spent more time with her and less time envying her and coming up with ways to get her in trouble. I guess thats what all little sisters do.

I trudged through my day, which seemed to take forever and the standstill weather and gloomy clouds hanging over my head weren't helping either. When I finally got out of my last class it was almost dark. I noticed a bonfire going on at the park as I passed by and decided I would stop by and warm up for a little since I had some time to kill before 9:16. That's the time I visit Claire's grave each year since it's the time I got the call about her accident. I have a thing with remembering dates and times for some reason. Like it was exactly 6:42 pm on December 10th that I walked away from Pablo in a state of disarray and tears. It was at 8:53 am on December 15th that I unlocked my new apartment, 217 for the first time. And there are 379 days left until I graduate from City and move on with my life hopefully.

It was at 8:23 that I arrived at the bonfire and sat down on a bench near a teenage boy scribbling furiously on a notepad. I noticed when he finally looked up that he had beautiful green eyes full of knowledge and wonder. When I asked him what he was writing he quickly answered "a poem," and proceeded to close the notepad and stand up in a hurry. The only thing I managed to catch was the words "to my mother, may she never be forgotten." Before I could ask him anything else, he mumbled "sorry, I have to be at the diner, and promptly buttoned his coat and walked towards the path back to Shellac. Well, so much for my mom's advice about "putting yourself out there with new men."

After watching his shadow disappear into the trees, I gathered my things and headed towards Blue Blvd to grab some flowers at Kroger for Claire's grave, orchids, her favorite. On an whim, I grabbed a box of lindt truffles, Leonard's favorite. He may not be 20 or handsome like the bonfire boy, but he's got a Y chromosome and a stable job, albeit a grave digger. When I got to the back fence of the graveyard I checked my watch: 9:09, I had to hurry to make it to her grave and have it prepared for my reading at 9:16. I jumped the fence although tearing a hole in my favorite jeans in the process and sprinted to the maple tree in the front corner of the cemetery to the small grey stone. I could trace the carving in my sleep, "Claire Thomas, loving daughter, sister, friend and community member. A true inspiration to all." I spread the orchids into a "C" shape and waited until 9:16 to begin reading "Hope is the Thing with Feathers" Claire's favorite poem. When I finished reading, I noticed Leonard standing near the tree. He came and put his arm around me and we sat like this underneath the tree until dawn alternating between my crying and eating truffles.

Monday, January 19, 2015

3. Apartment 217

I woke up screaming, unable to shake the looming image of Pablo from my mind and tried to move but found myself restricted by tubes. Frick, I promised not to say his name ever again, it's hard when every morning I wake up and see the scar on my chest from that night. So that brings me to last night: I was about to take the stairs up to my apartment and was halfway down the hallway when I saw a dark figure in the shadows of the stairs clutching what appeared to be a knife. I must have fainted, because the last thing I remember is walking by an advertisement for some speed dating thing. I remember thinking I'd force myself to put on a little makeup and straighten my hair and go, but I guess that plan's out the window.

Here I am in a hospital watching snow fall out my tiny window in my empty room. There isn't a single get well card or anything and no one, not even my mother bothered to call me to see if I'm ok. The only person I have to talk to is this annoying doctor who keeps asking me if I'm ready to describe why I'm so afraid of knives and men. Like I want to describe my abusive ex-boyfriend to some stupid resident doctor. I'm not even important enough to get a real doctor. I heard him and some other residents gossiping about some crazy person who was found clutching a knife in an apartment building during a search warrant. They're treating the afflicted police officer somewhere down the hall. All I know is that my doctor told me my crappy college insurance will only pay for me to be here for two more days before I'll be sent to the mental hospital near Dreamwood for "further testing and evaluation." I guess I better talk to the pompous idiot of a doctor to convince him I DO NOT need to be put in a mental hospital. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015


I woke up unusually early this morning and decided I had enough time to grab breakfast out for a change. I sat in my usual corner booth at the diner and settled in with my coffee and a math textbook. After scarfing down a waffle and some spuds, my favorite breakfast, I began my walk to school. The weather was surprisingly hot for this time of year and I began sweating profusely in my black jeans and long sleeve black shirt. Since the that one awful night I haven't been able to bring myself to wear anything but black. My psychiatrist says it's my way of mourning the good parts of my life before HE ruined it. When I got to City community college, or City as we like to call it, the heat was still on. Stupid boiler system, we're in such a as town they can't even properly heat and cool the place Im forced to spend half my time at. After sitting in classes for 6 hours, and sweating huge stains into my favorite shirt, the only thing I learned from my ancient astronomy teacher is that there's supposed to be some meteor shower tonight.

After class I headed to Christine's for a red velvet cupcake and mid bite found crumbs from a chocolate cupcake and smudges of coffee on the plate. Disgusted I asked Christine about it, was told her dishwasher was out and promptly left leaving the half eaten cupcake for him to clean up if he ever returned, On my way down the hallway back in Dreamwood I heard some horrendous coughing followed by a thud, most likely someone or something hitting the floor. I considered knocking on the door to make sure everyone was okay, but decided against it. I continued on my way to my apartment and collapsed on my unmade bed the minute I got inside. I was exhausted for no reason and felt achy and had chills despite the weather. I guess I might have the flu, so much for that flu shot Brian told me would protect me. Seeing him is worth it though. Damn, I wish I had someone like him in my life now. All I have is this scruffy ugly stray cat that has taken residence in my window. Well, atleast this place it's better than my ex-boyfriend who shall not be named's sad excuse of a house.